Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
When we draw birds we basically just draw flying mustaches.
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Boss: I was listening to some Tool on the way to work.
Me: I talk to myself when I’m driving sometimes too, it’s ok.
Boss: Just get out.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Boyfriend planted watermelon seedlings in our garden. I just bought a watermelon to put beside his plant before he wakes up tomorrow.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
‘Nothing like a real book’ I say
‘The scent, pages between my fingers- cracking the spine!’
My tree girlfriend’s parents sway uncomfortably
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
I hate when people decide to come over and I have to put a bra back on.
If burglars broke into my apt, they’d look around, shake their heads and leave me some cash with a note that says ‘get yourself some shit!’