All. The. Damn. Time.
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There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
This could be us but you eatin’
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.