@CauseWereGuys

When we draw birds we basically just draw flying mustaches.

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@Sal0630

Boss: I was listening to some Tool on the way to work.

Me: I talk to myself when I’m driving sometimes too, it’s ok.

Boss: Just get out.

@AmishPornStar1

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

@ohpeetie

Boyfriend planted watermelon seedlings in our garden. I just bought a watermelon to put beside his plant before he wakes up tomorrow.

@ramblinma

No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.

@camelSWAG69

[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week

@iamspacegirl

‘Nothing like a real book’ I say
‘The scent, pages between my fingers- cracking the spine!’

My tree girlfriend’s parents sway uncomfortably

@ElleOhHell

Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief

@msmegmensa

If burglars broke into my apt, they’d look around, shake their heads and leave me some cash with a note that says ‘get yourself some shit!’