When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
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name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Cha-ching is my safe word
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
sry
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.