When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
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Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
just having fun
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Self-cleaning conscience
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip