Why I divorced her.
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I will cook for you
-me, threatening
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.