My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
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My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Yes my dude
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands