when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
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*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Well, that didn’t work.
Introverted vegans go meetless
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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