when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
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COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*