Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
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How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.