If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
When women go to the restroom together that’s so you can make out, right?
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“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Her: You only think about yourself.
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my shit together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
She brings out the best in me and there’s just no way I’m putting up with that
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
And the Best McDonald’s Employee of the Month goes to Mad Max: Fury Road.