@TheDailySchmuck

When women go to the restroom together that’s so you can make out, right?

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@mattselman

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

@TheWidowmakerX

“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”

Me: $400 and 2 unread messages

@TheRealPalMal

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

@NJPsychDoc

Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my shit together & yet still insult me for being full of it?

@BoomBoomBetty

One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.

Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.

@tsm560

She brings out the best in me and there’s just no way I’m putting up with that

@AndyAsAdjective

GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II

ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya

@sammyrhodes

And the Best McDonald’s Employee of the Month goes to Mad Max: Fury Road.