Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
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[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Become a minion. Get that bread.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.