[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
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3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
this is why i’m friendless
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
007 is fired, becomes a scientist. He opens meetings with, “The name’s Bond, Hydrogen Bond.” Everyone laughs. He cries in the supply closet.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
an unmuted programmer on the zoom call: CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACKCLACKCLACK