@karanbirtinna

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.

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@abbycohenwl

[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT

@ParentNormal

3yo: I want to help!

Me: You can help by being quiet.

3yo:

Me:

3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!

@PretendMaker

A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too

@Kalarlis

007 is fired, becomes a scientist. He opens meetings with, “The name’s Bond, Hydrogen Bond.” Everyone laughs. He cries in the supply closet.

@LindaInDisguise

Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?

Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.

13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

@MooseAllain

There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.

@thepunningman

Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time

@MomOnFire

My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.

@lenazun

nobody:
an unmuted programmer on the zoom call: CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACKCLACKCLACK