When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
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When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot