When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
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Mornin
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.