When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.

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“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.


*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”


No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.


Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.


[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt


I am interested in:

⚪️ men

⚪️ women

🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive


I hate when I shape my hand like a phone to tell someone to call me, but they’re in their 20s and don’t know what phones used to look like.


dog who is interested in graphic design, lookig at the new pantone color of the year: i dont get it, everey year its just the same dam color