@batkaren

When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.

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@ElleOhHell

“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.

@AndyAsAdjective

*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”

@3sunzzz

No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.

@CulturedRuffian

Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.

@chuuew

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

@Sorrowscopes

I am interested in:

⚪️ men

⚪️ women

🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive

@TheDailySchmuck

I hate when I shape my hand like a phone to tell someone to call me, but they’re in their 20s and don’t know what phones used to look like.

@jonnysun

dog who is interested in graphic design, lookig at the new pantone color of the year: i dont get it, everey year its just the same dam color