MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
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that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
what day is it?
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car