Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
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My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.