When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
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[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.