(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
You Might Also Like
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read