@Alex_Houseof308

When you are incorrectly taken for someone else: Mistaken identity

When there’s a spelling error in your ID card: Mistake in identity

When an unmarried woman steals your identity: Miss taking identity

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@Browtweaten

*Game Character Treatment Center*

Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here

Pac-Man: Binge eating

Lara Croft: Kleptomania

Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets

@jonnysun

ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!

ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm

@CherBear162

An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!

@GuyThe_Guy

Autocorrect just turned “stepdaughter” into “lying manipulative drug addict that lives in the basement and brings dudes in thru the slider”

@SardonicTart

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

@shawnspree

I always carry a small bottle of Tabasco when I fly. You never know when you’re going to crash in the Alps & have to live by eating people.

@turtledumplin

When a cop pulls you over, pull out a map and ask them for directions until they forget that they pulled you over.

-me, right now

@li4mst3w4rt

alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, “why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?”