Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
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[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.