When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
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5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
This kid will have a bright future.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please