when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf

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[dentist hands me a bag with a tootbrush and floss inside it]

uhmmmmm okay? now I feel weird I didn’t get you anything


6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?

Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…

6: you’ll never find me!

Me: *goes back to sleep*


If Horror movies have taught me anything, it’s that you give elderly people what they want or else they’ll place a curse on you.


[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone


“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.


Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.


*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet


Each day I wake up at 6am and

– Send every man in my phone a text that says “what’s up dog — we good?”
– Send every woman in my phone a text that says “So apparently you think I’m an idiot…”

Then I go to the gym for twelve hours


I feel a burst of superiority when I trick a fly into flying out of my car window.


I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.