@ddsmidt

When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.

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@KarlreMarks

Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.

@ilovepie84

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”

-Floss

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Impress your wife by cleaning something she just cleaned and then proudly announce, “There! Now it’s clean.”

@TotallyAllen

HOW TO START A CONVERSATION ON THE BUS: Look longingly out the window and remark, “Such a shame this is all just gonna burn.”

@_davidlucas_

*Buying flowers*

Sales girl: Would you like the receipt?

Me: Sure! If they don’t work, I’ll be bringing them back.

@chimneyspotter

DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft

@ddsmidt

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

@Dustinkcouch

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early

astronaut: moon’s haunted

nasa employee: what?

astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted