Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
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“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
Impress your wife by cleaning something she just cleaned and then proudly announce, “There! Now it’s clean.”
HOW TO START A CONVERSATION ON THE BUS: Look longingly out the window and remark, “Such a shame this is all just gonna burn.”
Sales girl: Would you like the receipt?
Me: Sure! If they don’t work, I’ll be bringing them back.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted