When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
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[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I falcon love using swear birds
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot