When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.

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Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.


“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”



Impress your wife by cleaning something she just cleaned and then proudly announce, “There! Now it’s clean.”


HOW TO START A CONVERSATION ON THE BUS: Look longingly out the window and remark, “Such a shame this is all just gonna burn.”


*Buying flowers*

Sales girl: Would you like the receipt?

Me: Sure! If they don’t work, I’ll be bringing them back.


DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft


You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.


nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early

astronaut: moon’s haunted

nasa employee: what?

astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted