@Daveastated

*When you can teleport through your phone*

Hello! Can you here me?

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@freefanaddict

So no one is discussing the fact that they are still putting those vile black jelly beans in the bag like people eat them?

@murrman5

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

@Fickle_Filly

There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.

Idiot.

@mstluvstrinkets

The neighbor’s wife is gonna be so happy when she sees how much yardwork he got done today.

-I think, laying out in a bikini in my backyard

@MissHavisham

My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

My daughter found a new boyfriend.
I’m just glad the police haven’t found the old one.

@BitchyJasmine

Bob: Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.

@mom_tho

no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat

@AmericanGent69

{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor