*When you can teleport through your phone*

Hello! Can you here me?

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So no one is discussing the fact that they are still putting those vile black jelly beans in the bag like people eat them?


[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?


There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.



The neighbor’s wife is gonna be so happy when she sees how much yardwork he got done today.

-I think, laying out in a bikini in my backyard


My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.


My daughter found a new boyfriend.
I’m just glad the police haven’t found the old one.


Bob: Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.


no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat


{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor