*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
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sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.