when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
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Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
I can also cook 😂
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.