[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
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Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.