Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
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me: one coffee please
barista: one coffee, got it. and how do you take it?
me: *suddenly nervous in the face of such a simple question * w-with my hands
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
You know what’s better than being married? Everything.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
I laugh at an ex who now dates an ugly man-pig…
Until I realize that maybe she has a type.