@Laser_Cat
@TheBoydP
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
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@TheBoydP
@captainkalvis
me: one coffee please
barista: one coffee, got it. and how do you take it?
me: *suddenly nervous in the face of such a simple question * w-with my hands
@DrakeGatsby
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
@CandyEmpires
You know what’s better than being married? Everything.
@BunAndLeggings
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
@SammySponser
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
@iwearaonesie
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
@WilliamAder
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
@bossy_bootz
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
@drinksmcgee
I laugh at an ex who now dates an ugly man-pig…
Until I realize that maybe she has a type.