@Laser_Cat

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

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@GrantTanaka

So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ

@Momtoteens

Daughter comes home with shirt inside out.
Me: Why is your shirt on wrong?
Daughter: I think you old people call it: “second base”

@topshelftyson

*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see

@CoolCamel69

*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”

@CommonSavant

Mom: Why can’t you be successful like your brother?
Amazon: heh
Optimus: But I saved humanity from Decepticons!

Thanksgiving at the Primes

@rainerfm

I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.

@WhosTheresa

I could’ve had a kid with a heroin addiction but Noooo. Instead my kid wants to join a Christian rock band.

@Divergentmama

Husband: I brought you flowers

Me: what did you do?

Husband: and a necklace

Me: oh god, it must be bad!

Husband: and some chocolates

Me: yeah, really dont care anymore – gimme.

@CakeThrottle

Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.