@Laser_Cat

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

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@TheBoydP

Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.

Millennial: blank stare

@captainkalvis

me: one coffee please
barista: one coffee, got it. and how do you take it?
me: *suddenly nervous in the face of such a simple question * w-with my hands

@DrakeGatsby

Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-

Me: I’ll take it.

Them: Sir?

Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.

@BunAndLeggings

My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”

@iwearaonesie

MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW

@WilliamAder

Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.

@bossy_bootz

3 things you never get back :

A word after it’s said

Time after it’s passed

Your pen if I really like it

@drinksmcgee

I laugh at an ex who now dates an ugly man-pig…

Until I realize that maybe she has a type.