When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
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Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?