When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
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When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality