When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William

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when i tell people i “tried a new restaurant” what i mean is i went to a place which is different from where i normally get fettuccini alfredo and i tried their fettuccini alfredo


A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.


[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?


WORD: wanna see paste options?

ME: no it’s fine

WORD: but check out these paste options

ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it


ME: fine there I looked now move the box


ME: it’s still there

WORD: which was your favorite 😐


Do you think that a funeral director signs his letters with ‘ yours eventually’?


I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”

Then when people ask me what it means…


RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?

ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?

RIDDLER: Well, no, but


[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here


There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.