When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
You Might Also Like
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.