when i tell people i “tried a new restaurant” what i mean is i went to a place which is different from where i normally get fettuccini alfredo and i tried their fettuccini alfredo
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
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A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Do you think that a funeral director signs his letters with ‘ yours eventually’?
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
America: Where stairs are only used for emergency escape purposes.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.