@gtfml

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

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@Its_Just_Reese

Wife: I’m

Me: I’M I’M I’M

Wife: Leaving

Me: LEAVING LEAVING LEAVING

Wife: You

Me: YOU YOU YOU

Wife:

Me: IS IS IS, THIS THIS THIS, ABOUT ABOUT ABOUT-

Wife: It’s about the megaphone, yes

@UnFitz

Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.

@RocketRankoon

A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.

@dietz_meredith

i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar

@aka_fatman

*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!

@PetrickSara

*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*

@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

@Lisabug74

The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.

@LizHackett

“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.

@Michael1979

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN

1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE

2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT

3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN