[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
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Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
I’m “whenever my mother calls, I think it’s because someone’s dead” years old.
“The new Star Wars comes out in two years”. (Luke 20:15).
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Probably not a coincidence that Taylor Swift just spent $17M on a mansion only two states away from me.
[Check engine light comes on]
Me: *pops hood – checks on engine* well you look great buddy but today did suck, let’s just see if you’re feeling better tomorrow.
I was sad nobody would go jogging with me, so I threw a rock at my neighbor, and when he started chasing me I felt much better.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who’s giving them medical attention?