Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
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You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Encore…
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
My dress code is business-casualty.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.