@gtfml

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

You Might Also Like

@jjhartinger

[happy hour with friends discussing politics]

me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

alcohol: wanna bet.

@moooooog35

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

@est1975blog

I’m “whenever my mother calls, I think it’s because someone’s dead” years old.

@TheAndrewNadeau

HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.

@michaelianblack

Probably not a coincidence that Taylor Swift just spent $17M on a mansion only two states away from me.

@Divergentmama

[Check engine light comes on]

Me: *pops hood – checks on engine* well you look great buddy but today did suck, let’s just see if you’re feeling better tomorrow.

@underchilde

I was sad nobody would go jogging with me, so I threw a rock at my neighbor, and when he started chasing me I felt much better.

@andyerikson

Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who’s giving them medical attention?