baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
You Might Also Like
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
this isn’t threatening at all
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?