When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”

You Might Also Like


[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]


Drugs, is not the answer unless the question is why are you eating spaghetti with your hands.


Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”


I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.


Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow

Me: Left hand, red

Me: Left foot, green

Police sketch artist: this can’t be true


Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*


[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy


8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up


[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*