When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
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You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
i smell a pulitzer
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Just as the prophecy foretold
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.