When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
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People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
The USS B port
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
All set.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
im 7 sauces long
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.