Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
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I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.