When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
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Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?