Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
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One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
[Bags packed, leaving the ex]
Ex:”I hope you have a slow and painful death!”
Me:”So now you want me to stay?”
It’s like my dad always said, “How did you get this number?!”
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
I’m going door-to-door to promote my new gym. It’s called “Jehovah’s Fitness”
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.