When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
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I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.