When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
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They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
$4 #usedbooks
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
uncle dave has been through hell
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.