When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
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This probably isn’t good
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school