When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
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I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.