When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
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I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.