@Ikea_Monkey_89

When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.

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@bourgeoisalien

I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.

@LeBearGirdle

*valentine’s night*

Me: I got you a new pair of shoes

Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!

Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you

@trojansauce

daniel radcliffe’s family were just known as the cliffe’s until his great grandfather invented the kick flip

@SnarkyMommy78

Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.

@Dutch_50

The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.

@ElgatoEsmio

i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand

@greggjgc79

[catches your phone before it hits the ground]

Whew, that was close!

[smashes your phone against the wall]

See, that could have happened.

@YesThatAmy

Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation