When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
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[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*