When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.

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I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.


*valentine’s night*

Me: I got you a new pair of shoes

Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!

Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you


daniel radcliffe’s family were just known as the cliffe’s until his great grandfather invented the kick flip


Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.


The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.


i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand


[catches your phone before it hits the ground]

Whew, that was close!

[smashes your phone against the wall]

See, that could have happened.


Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.


5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation