I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
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Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
daniel radcliffe’s family were just known as the cliffe’s until his great grandfather invented the kick flip
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
[catches your phone before it hits the ground]
Whew, that was close!
[smashes your phone against the wall]
See, that could have happened.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation