When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
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The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*