When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
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You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
who will stop them
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?