*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
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you really had to be dumb to get convicted of a crime before like..1950. Like you could shoot someone while screaming your socoial security number and the cops still had like a 3% chance of finding you
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
“Who peed in here and didn’t flush?” is the new “good morning” in my house…
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: usually to my kids to just please go to sleep for the love of God
Judge: *wiping away a tear* I can respect that, case dismissed
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
I don’t like it when a pretty girl with glasses takes them off, and her eyes were actually painted onto the inside of the lenses.
So I’m still newish around here…
What are the rules about Canadians? Does everybody get one? Do I get to choose? Where do I sign up?