the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
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Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
You’ve been married more than 10 years so when your husband says he has big plans for you tomorrow he means he needs help cleaning the gutters
Defense: I have a boyfriend
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room