When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
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The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH