me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
You Might Also Like
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
A bunch of black dudes were standing in front of my gardening equipment.
Bros before hoes.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
how to piss off everybody
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))