@JoleenDoreen

When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.

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@BlindChow

*tree falls in the forest*

*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*

@hippieswordfish

you really had to be dumb to get convicted of a crime before like..1950. Like you could shoot someone while screaming your socoial security number and the cops still had like a 3% chance of finding you

@SaxMouse

When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends

@KMoFlo_official

9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.

@underrateDad

“Who peed in here and didn’t flush?” is the new “good morning” in my house…

@thatcarlygirl

Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:

@DaddyJew

Judge: how do you plead?

Me: usually to my kids to just please go to sleep for the love of God

Judge: *wiping away a tear* I can respect that, case dismissed

@QwertyJones3

Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.

@markleggett

I don’t like it when a pretty girl with glasses takes them off, and her eyes were actually painted onto the inside of the lenses.

@Phoebetate

So I’m still newish around here…

What are the rules about Canadians? Does everybody get one? Do I get to choose? Where do I sign up?