When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.

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me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!

my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ

me: who


My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.


A bunch of black dudes were standing in front of my gardening equipment.

Bros before hoes.


Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!

Me: That’s a pretty good trade…


Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that


Me: you have nice eyeball hair


You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.


Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.


A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.


North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))