@JoleenDoreen

When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.

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@minkpinkustink

the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants

@MommaUnfiltered

Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.

And now someone’s texting him.

@VisionBored1

You’ve been married more than 10 years so when your husband says he has big plans for you tomorrow he means he needs help cleaning the gutters

@dafloydsta

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”

@caliluvgirl77

If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.