When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
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*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Every BBC series about the universe.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”