@SaxMouse

When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends

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@nice_mustard

when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”

@omgthatspunny

The Black Death was the best disease. Any attempts to replicate it are just plague-iarism.

@Bandersnaaatch

DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT

@stevevsninjas

Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again

@ohen39

doctor: [handing me my new born baby] I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it
me: [handing baby back to him] bring me the one my wife made

@pilau

An idle mind is the Devil’s playground

Devil: [inside my mind] this playground is shit

@SonOfCha

Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.

@economybacon

Carl: Everybody was Kung fu fighting!

Doug: um, I don’t know Kung f–

Carl: except for Doug from accounting