when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
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The Black Death was the best disease. Any attempts to replicate it are just plague-iarism.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
doctor: [handing me my new born baby] I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it
me: [handing baby back to him] bring me the one my wife made
An idle mind is the Devil’s playground
Devil: [inside my mind] this playground is shit
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Carl: Everybody was Kung fu fighting!
Doug: um, I don’t know Kung f–
Carl: except for Doug from accounting
I get carried away sometimes.
Because I refuse to leave.