When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
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I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
#DesignFail
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
lmfao
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
pep talk
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off