When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
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Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!