When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
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Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
anyone else like Italian cereal
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no