When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
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Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Fat chances are my favorite chances
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Another interesting #factupdates post!
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.